sugar and spice and e.v.o.o.

I feel like the legs of an elderly paraplegic man. Lame...and squishy. And its not like I don't have shit to do (I have an entire thesis to write)...Its just that nothing really really excites me anymore. Nothing gives me that thrill in my pants. (And things used to really excite me...**watches butterfly float away like egg from zoloft commercial, then wobbles away**)

I think getting bad news is like ramming a sledgehammer into your excitement bone. My excitement bone is broken and i have a cast on...its humiliating wearing a cast when your excitement bone gets broken, because the excitement bone is so close to your pubic bone, it looks like your wearing a paper mache diaper. And no one will date you when you have a diaper cast on because people will think you're an asshole..in a diaper cast.


Any who...I have been pondering what would make me excited again so that my life will stop feeling like a hairy useless leg. Again, I will suspend my imagination because mortal human earthy life is so restricting...like kanye's i'm so gay (but i'll never tellllllll) pants.

example...







anyway, Here goes:

Things that would spice up my bland bland white people food life

1. Chasing after the mailman while barking with toothpaste frothing from the edges of my mouth
2. Knocking door to door dancing for small donations to save the "last village of black gypsies"..dressed in a Walmart Jasmine (from Aladin) costume and my '99 new balances.
3. Setting off on a voyage to the underworld to collect my baby teeth back from the tooth fairy. (Yes, the toothfairy lives in the underworld because she is a lying sneaky thief. And its sick that she steals baby teeth..and makes jewelry out of it. How far is that from the Chainsaw Massacre mutant stealing peoples' faces and wearing them around? Not far, I say..not far enough)
4. Forging a ring of power from the smoldering lava of Mordor
5. Watching a toothless man gum someone angrily and with all his might
6. Smacking Rachel Ray in the face with a hot greasy herb-crusted chicken breast. (She's so fucking smiley all the got damn time with her unnecessarily gay acronyms (Add some E.V.OO!! vomit)).
7. Having a hot steamy awkward affair with Cedric Yarbrough.

I have to stop the list right now to properly express how much I love Cedric Yarbrough. For those that are lame, Cedric Yarbrough is the fine black guy from Reno 911. I know I sound creepy and weird but I don't care. I hear Alecia Keys "You don't know my name" in my head every time I watch Reno...Sometimes at night I pretend that we're on the phone saying sweet things to each other. (totally kidding.....) His humor makes my panties shimmy with glee.



DAMN DAMN DAMNIT ALL TO HADES!! I just found out he has a woman and she looks to be of caucasian persuasion. what the fuck (we will definitely have this talk later)

I want to erase what I wrote about loving him, but I'll keep it up cause I'm the bigger person.

Also: I am a big fan of the sexy affair..(would you like to make sexy time with me?)...but I have also seen it go horribly horribly awry. Good sex is wonderful...Great sex can land you in worlds of trouble. That shit will have you twitchin' and feindin like a fuckn basehead before you can say methlab. Your family will have to hide the electronics from you and feed you through the slit under the door to your room...and no matter who you are..it is not a good look. Beware.

I know Im supposed to be continuing my list, but I need to block normal programming in order to offer you the conversation I had with my older brother today...

Problem at hand: Black Women being "too independent for normal relationships" ?

Are some Black women too independent to maintain healthy relationships? I approached this question very carefully because as a black woman, I am painfully aware that there are many many types of black women (short, thick, sweet, psychotic (lets be honest)). After much thought, I answered the question, yes. There are some. I think that black women are socialized in different ways, some of us are socialized to rely almost entirely on a man and that man's wealth and status. There are mothers who tell their little brown girls to go out and find a rich man that will take care of you...love is a perk. On the contrary, some of us to taught never to rely on a man becaue he will always neglect us. Life has taught too many black women that the only one they can rely on is themselves. Our men are many times unable to love us properly (due to a range of other things i'll talk about later) and/or unavailable to our needs (also because of a lot of historical damage). Being left and neglected (or watching your mother be left and neglected) is enough to make a pact to do for self. The problem arises when a man that wants to do for that woman comes along. It is extremely difficult to break down barriers that you have spent a lifetime building brick by brick, tear by tear, restraining order by restraining order. When my heart is broken, I tend to turn inward and work on myself because thats the only thing positive I can think to do (stalking, slitting tires, and leaving consecutive messages are not really my thing)...I develop my independence. That's how we cope sometimes. Because what we learn while dating is-relying on him will probably get you hurt. I think that if we don't know how to take down the walls some for a good man though, we will be crushed under a pile of Zane novels, running through a maze of self fulfilling prophecies or soaking in a sad green-with-algae pool of loneliness. All of the above suck ass.

I know that no-one can "asshole-proof" their love lives...but if I could, I would. I would spackle, shrink wrap, cement, shelaq, plaster, nail, and jettison all the assholes out of my life for ever and ever amen..But unfortunately I can't. And I guess that's fine with me..because loving the way I have has built me (awesome brick by awesome brick) into the woman I am now.

Now all I need is a little spice and some e.v.o.o...

I hate rachel ray (whose name doesn't deserve to be in caps)