Prairies and Body Hair Coats

I am on a prairie. Yes. A prairie. HIl CIty, Kansas. There are no cell phone towers here (I called Tmobile, and they laughed at me). But there are mountain lions. It seems like a quiet town, nice people (who point and stare at me for being black) but when it gets dark, I always get the feeling that there will be some sort of chainsaw massacre/ mutant sewer gang activity going down here. The only restaurant is pizza hut (where the sewer mutants dine frequently..the pannormous is popular here). I find myself bored out of my skull, watching reruns of fresh prince, researching insane professions (I figured i could make lots of money as a rodent-whisperer. The city of New York could pay me to speak to their rat and mouse population, and politely ask them to leave and be celibate for a few years), keeping watch for mountain lions, or talking to my feet. I find myself wondering about what I could give my rabbit to make her bite people that smell like ham. Or why male ballet dancers never get boners on stage (they probably do when they're dancing with each other) or how many amphibians it took to make Eddie Murphy's suit for RAW, or WHY ZACH BRAFF LEFT SCRUBS or the movie FUR...

I must take a moment for this particular cinematic masterpiece. The film is supposedly about a photographer Diane Albus (played by Nicole Kidman, surprise surprise), and what her life could have been like. In reality, it is about what Diane Albus' life could have been like if everyone in it was a glue-huffing psychopath. This woman has a sexual fixation with body hair, and falls in love with a circus freak covered from head to toe in fur (Robert Downy Jr., another surprise). In his spare time he makes her wigs from the hair on his balls. And she is totally into it. After all, nothing says love like ball hair. The sex scene involves a very erotic shaving sequence and he sews her a fur coat (from his body hair) that she masturbates in.

(thats a real picture from the movie)


I wish i could make up shit that funny. I'm just not that good...yet. They call this movie an imaginary portrait of Diane Arbus. So i figured..why not ponder up an imaginary portrait of my own?

It would go something like this....I was born half zebra in the dunes of the sarenghetti. All my life I was heckled and teased. They called me swirl. I developed a deep seated resentment for my zebra father, who refused to see me and never paid child support. My mother drank heavily and brought horse after horse home, saying they were just friends. But I knew different. As I grew up, I discovered a love for literature, and fell madly in love with Omar Gooding from Wild N Crazy Kids. But after some years, I wasn't pleased unless he wore a sequin cape and a unicorn horn to bed. And our marriage came to bitter end...

This is how crazy Fur was to me. Though I understand how terribly romantic it is for a man to shave his balls and use the hair sew a coat for you, I hardly feel it is fit for anyone to actually view. It was like watching big girl xxx flicks...you don't want to watch, but you're eyes won't look away. Despite this, I want everyone to watch it and feel how uncomfortable it is to watch someone erotically shave someone else.

I can't wait to find a guy who will think...hmm..it's getting crazy down there..time for a coat for Anoa.