I wish people made "how to" books for shit you actually need. Like "How to tell your parents that you're changing your sex" or "How to tell your child his dad isn't his dad"..you know..practical stuff. Instead they try and unlock the secret mysteries of life...which is great and all, but i need help with the smaller things before i can tackle the hidden mysteries of life. I would like to buy a book on "how to deal with disappointment" and have it all in laymen simple language. It would piss me off the buy this book, then open it to find that it tells me to "ohm" myself happy, or envision success or some gay crap like that.
I consider myself a pretty positive person. I enjoy cupcakes and flowers. I give people rides. Love. Money when i'm not too poor. But everything i have attempted to do recently has fallen through and I have no idea why. It is extremely frustrating and horrendously gay that this is happening. I don't want to make it just about me...but this shit does not happen to everyone. I wish i had a small guru in my pocket to tell me that everything would be ok..and know it was true..because he sees the future. When my family or friends tell me everything will be ok...its nice and all, but i know they don't know that. Are they really credible sources? A guru i could actually believe.
But of course, where would I get my hands on a travel-sized holyman? The black market? (Where is the black market? People say they sell stuff like organs on the black market. I wish the black market was a place. Seems like it should be. Ive been hearing so much hype about it.) Maybe I could make that happen. Until I have a guru though, I am forced to swallow absolute uncertainty..which is nasty and a murky shade of green. And tastes like wheat germ and hobbit feet. Unfortunately I haven't gotten into any of my graduate schools, which sucks balls because I have worked extremely hard in undergrad.
UnUnfortunately, the guy I'd liked for a while...just doesnt. ("Doesn't what?" you may ask..and to that i say..He just...doesn't.) In the midst of this, my best friends are becoming wonderfully successful and are falling in love (This is great and I am so happy for them..timing however..is horribly ironic lol). So what would this book tell me? Would it tell me to stay positive? To persevere in the face of adversity? Probably. but that kinda blows me cause honestly, i'm mad. And I would want the book to be mad with me. example
Title: For AWESOME People Who Have Been Unfortunate Enough to Have Been Disappointed by Lame Gay People, Places and/or Things
Chapter 1: If schools wanna be gay and reject you
Chapter 2: If the lame jobs that you thought you wanted didn't call you back
Chapter 3: If that douchebag you liked was an asshole to you
you see where im going with this im sure.
I guess the problem is that when you're disappointed, the only thing that will make you un-disappointed is for the shit that disappointed you to change its mind. and stop being such a douche. For that school to call you apologetically and groveling..saying that they sent the rejection letter to the wrong address. Or for that guy/girl to text "im sorry. i love you". Or for that job to send a helicopter to your house in the morning, telling you that they are in dire need of your expertise for a special position...But when does that happen? Never. In movies maybe. Its about as improbable as a rich banker falling in love with and proposing to the whore he hired for the week he was in town on business..
When shit disappoints me, I feel like I was farted on by a large mammal. Or like charlie Brown must have felt when the rain cloud hovered above his head and rained on him as his friends played kickball in the sun. Or that my freshly piled ice cream cone has fallen face first into dirty zoo asphalt..only to be quickly eaten by a talking dog who after eating your icecream, licks his lips and describes how delicious it was.
I want that dog to die.
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