My Girl's got a Boyfriend

Sometimes my life reminds me of the zoloft anti-depression medication commercials starring the "sad egg". [There has been extensive debate concerning the nature and species of this "egg". It most reminds me of an egg. But some people are dumb enough to think that it is a ball of dough or something gay like that. Do balls of dough have feelings? Probably not. Eggs, however, are technically babies and can have feelings..and could even be depressed. Maybe it is a lone testical...that could be believable. Because two testicles= awesome...one testicle=sad and or funny] Commercial::"Are you sad?" * Egg nods yes with frown* "Things that used to make you happy just don't matter anymore?" *Egg nods yes.. gazes lovingly at a butterfly (that used to make it happy)...then sighs and wobbles away*:: Every time I see that commercial, I feel so bad about that egg. What is wrong with it? Does it have a broken heart? Does it owe loan shark eggs? Does it have aids? Did it get aids from a slut egg that broke its heart? What could possibly be making this egg so sad??

I am not as sad as the egg. I think the word for this feeling is... discouraged. DIS-COURAGE-D. My courage has been dissed (that was lame i know). Slapped in the face with the big cock of life. Mollywhopped if you will (look it up). Date-raped by Jack Nicholson....(What does a date-rapist look like? Jack Nicholson.)


Aside::: One of my best friend's new boyfriend and I are trying to be friendly..after all we are sharing the same girl. (I love my best friend. She humps my leg violently for fun and loves to sing popular songs in Old English vernacular: i.e. "Wilst Thou Allow me to Beat Beat Beat..?" She is the absolute greatest.) I don't know her new boyfriend yet, but they seem to be falling in love (or some degree of it) and I am trying to get to know him. To be quite honest, Im not always good with fostering hearty relationships with my friends' boy/girlfriends for a few reasons..
1. I don't like when my friends are lame and want to tack me on to the relationship because i'm single. Third wheels are the gayest of all the wheels.
2. I dont like being forced into liking someone. I'd rather chill..meet them when I meet them and like them if i like them. The pressure makes me awkward.
3. When boyfriends and girlfriends call me for advice about my friends i get put in the middle of a relationship of which I am not a part. I feel like being the one pickle on a chick fil-a sandwich..(why do they even bother putting those lonely pickles on the sandwiches..they should stop.)

So..anyway...my best friend's new boyfriend and I have been talking some. (I think my friend really cares what I think about him because theyre getting serious. Plus I am like her tumor (not cancerous of course..but complete with hair and teeth and a personality). I think that he is a very nice young man...but i fear our humors are on different ends of the spectrum. He is perky and optimistic..but in a way that forces me to be sarcastic and pseudo-mean in my jokes. Of course it is completely not personal..if any random person ended a conversation with me with "Hakuna Matata" it is my visceral reaction to laugh and call them gay. Problem: I want us to be cool. But I don't want to hide who I am. I'll find a happy medium. Today, he messaged me, and we had a very interesting convo. The thread goes as follows:

Dude: Ah Ha! Anoa has a bf. Strange pic
(referring to my facebook picture)

Me: thats not my boyfriend, hes one of my friends gay friends. i like the pic. how r u Mr. ______?

Dude: Ahh, I'm well. Anoa, do you have baby teeth?

Me: ...If you're asking whether i still have the teeth i had when i was a kid. no. are you serious?

Dude: an expression did your teeth develop a bit smaller than normal. noticed and asked.

Me: who starts a conversation like that? "do you have small teeth?" are you serious?

Me: my teeth are small. thank you for noticing them.

I love my friend and I trust her choices....I would like to show, however, what my responses would have been if I didn't care what him or my friend wanted or thought..

Dude: Ah Ha! Anoa has a bf. Strange pic
(referring to my facebook picture)

Me: No the guy in the pic is my friend's ex-gay. how r u?

Dude: Ahh, I'm well. Anoa, do you have baby teeth?

Me: I lost my baby teeth like every other human since the dawn of man..Do you have a baby penis?

Dude: an expression did your teeth develop a bit smaller than normal. noticed and asked.

Me: hmm thats funny. I noticed you look gay in your pic. Have you told your parents yet? I hear thats the hardest part.

Ok..i know I look like an asshole right now. But imagine meeting someone and the first thing they ask you is whether you have baby teeth. I will admit. I laughed first, and thought..this is either really lame or comic GENIUS. (I seriously doubt the latter...but i could be wrong. I hope i'm wrong.) Just to spite my friend, I am going to coerce my next boyfriend to say something strange and obscure when he meets her.

My friend: Hey! How are you! I'm ______!

My boyfriend: Your neck smells like celery seed.

So I will be actively trying to be a better person. Because I want to know who my friend is boning. End of Aside::::

Alright, so I had another PostSecret revelation the other day.. I happened upon this little ditty....



Alright guys. I stopped at this post secret because I feel like this situation happened to me. (I know i said i hate post secret but we're trying to make it work through the rough spots and crazy stupid weird secrets that sometimes come up) What logic goes behind this? So..basically, Castro, you're telling me that you like me too much to like me. That makes tons of sense. I understand that some people aren't ready to be with good people...But why not try and work through your problems with someone that loves you? Idk. Maybe i'm crazy, but when something good comes along, I don't pass it up cause i can't get over myself. I know that it might not be a bitch up...even though it looks, tastes and smells like one. Its also absolutely possible that this didn't happen to me though. Maybe someone better came along. And if so, I hope they get the herps.

I think that some people convince themselves that they are bad people and crazies so that they don't hold any responsibility to themselves or anyone else. Have you ever tried to rely on someone that you knew was truly crazy? No. (And if you did, it probably turned out really bad and made you not do it again) Its like..

You: hey, I needed ________ to help me and she promised, but never showed up.
Friend: eh..she's crazy
You: true.

end of conversation.

If i told people i was crazy, I could do anything I wanted to do. Its freedom. I wouldn't have to answer to anyone. And I wouldn't have to be anywhere I didn't wanna be....because i've convinced myself I'm crazy, and therefore do not have to act rationally. And if everyone thinks im crazy too, then they won't ask me for shit. Sweet. This, however, would probably make me a very sad, lonely person because at the end of the day, our relationships are all we have, and to build healthy relationships we need to get the fuck over ourselves and try.

I've gargled enough words for the day. time to rinse.