Velociraptors and Salt Piles

I admit it..I think that most bloggers are assholes (much like people that wear shades indoors, and people that drink beer from straws). Why is this you ask? Because one, "blog" is a stupid word. And two, why post your diary online so that the entire sick sad world has access to your feelings (no matter how shallow or stupid they are)? What does a blogger look like? I assume...Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson is my answer for most "look like" questions though. e.g. What does a rapist look like? What does a pedophile look like? What does a pedophilic rapist look like? what does a car salesman look like? I feel that in blogging, one assumes, also, that people will read your thoughts. And enjoy them. A bit smug, que no? What if you aren't interesting? Should you blog? If the answer is no (I was really leaning toward no) is Blogging therefore, elitist? Made only for the awesome? The world may never know. Well here i go, anyone reading can rate my level of asshole-ness accordingly.


Seeing Ex's Randomly:

I think that this is one of those things no one can prepare you for. What do you do? What do you say? Do you die? Do you fake die? Do you grow wolverine-inspired knuckle blades and attack? After having seen a few of my ex's randomly and in public, I have been trying to flesh out many of the ways one can react, especially after a horrific breakup. To explore all possibilities of this situation, I like to imagine that life is a cartoon. This way, you can do virtually anything (be thrown off a skyscraper, ingest poison, have your head eaten off, have your chest pound literally out of your chest) and not die. Please do not imagine anime because it is real-"ish" enough to be porn for japanese boys that have locked themselves in their rooms, and make love to everything in their rooms to pass the time between video gaming binges.

-Ways to react to seeing an ex...if/when life is like a cartoon-

1. Fake die...complete with X's on the eyes. And just lay there.. until they walk away awkwardly
2. Animorph into a wildcat an rip them into spaghetti. Then give them to a homeless person in a to go box.
3. Become a huge penis and smack them across the face. then turn back into yourself and walk away to shaft music.
4. Turn into the herps and jump into their pants
5. Melt them into liquid and pour them into a clogged nightclub toilet
6. just stare at them....until they feel weird and leave
7. Tell them you didn't recognize them. because theyre fat now. Or ask when they're due (even if theyre skinny and/or male)
8. Tell them that they remind you of candycorn...the worst candy ever invented.
9. Turn into Hagrid from Harry Potter, and teabag them while they cry..to the Harry Potter theme music of course.
10. Give them Willy Wonka gum that makes neon colored midgets violently attracted to them.

I have more, but this is just a start.

When I saw my ex last summer, I wanted to turn into a hundred little velociraptors and eat him alive. Or cry until I turned into a pile of salt.

Am i an asshole yet?

-Anoa